Often people wonder how such a pretty woman like my wife could fall for a guy like me. I don’t have that answer. I do believe perhaps this post will help some get a better understanding.
The reality is this. I’ve known my wife since high school. We began dating over 20 years ago. We have hardcore time invested in our relationship. It’s a special situation. Many ups and downs as we have worked towards where we are today. It’s never easy. All relationships are unique in their own way. I will confidently admit this. A committed healthy partnership is a result of the effort & dedication put in by both involved. That’s all I got. I’m not a relationship expert. I only speak on the experience of my own situation.
Here is what I have learned.
I recently had a great conversation with a single friend of mine in her 40-50’s. I won’t spill the beans on her actual age because she will hunt me down & run me through a meat grinder. I know this because I recently did some home improvement renovations for her. One of her kitchen pendant lights were off level by a fraction of an inch as she began to shake uncontrollably. It was terrifying. I wouldn’t dare to talk about her age. I will however discuss this. She is single. Seeks a relationship with a gentleman. Like other women, it sometimes presents a challenge. She made it clear settling is not an option and I couldn’t agree more. She has thrown herself out there into the land of internet dating and all it has to offer. I don’t know much about it and hope I never have to swim in this pool of horse shit. And that’s exactly what it is. But that appears to be the road one must travel these days to find that lifelong love connection. Who has time to go out and actually meet people? That shit doesn’t happen. And don’t believe that old wives tale about supermarkets. I walked the lanes of Shoprite (Shopwrong) for eleven hours on a Sunday putting this “urban legend” to the test. I pranced around striking up numerous conversations with shoppers. As a result, I was beaten with eggplant, tossed into the frozen shrimp ice bin & asked to leave by a bag lady. This is not the atmosphere for a love connection. People want their garlic & ice cream and be on their way. There was one lady who expressed some interest in me. She fell and couldn’t get up as she laid motionless in the personal hygiene aisle. I was frantically pressing her life alert button and performed CPR. She was a spunky chick. Full of surprises. I eventually brought her back to life. She was approaching 103 years of age. The young lady whispered under her romantically flirtatious fossilized breath, “excuse me young man, could you tell me where I can purchase a bra enhancer, new dentures and a motorized wheel chair?” I was taken back by her kinky devious sexual thoughts. She had my attention. We struck up some conversation as I re-attached her hip. I felt some attraction & chemistry. In the end I just couldn’t commit. I felt the age difference would be a factor at some point in our relationship. In my opinion, the supermarket is more of a place to make funeral arrangements.
So my buddy happens to be “bat shit crazy” in a good way which she already knows. That’s a great quality in my opinion. Normal is boring. She wants what she wants and would never settle. I don’t blame her. She suffers from OCD. I explained you should not date people like yourself. I firmly believe opposites attract. It keeps everything fresh and on edge. Imagine two OCD individuals dating? What transpires? Do you both walk around the home holding hands on a Saturday evening adjusting pictures on the wall as you argue over proper toilet paper placement? That’s no fun. My wife and I are polar opposites. I walk around the house tracking mud throughout as she opens up her vacuum collection and cleans directly behind me. She’s not happy about it naturally but it creates conversation and controversy. I leave my underwear on the kitchen table and she removes it with protective gloves & safety goggles as she’s decked out in a hazmat suit. It just works. Not sure why. That’s only my opinion. She most likely hates me and wants to shove the vacuum attachment up my pee hole. Let me believe we are happy. Thanks.
As we dug a bit deeper into the world of the mid life dating scene she found it necessary to share some pictures of a few potential life partners. People in search of soulmates who expressed interest in her online dating profile. Turns out her sister is a member as well so I had the privilege to soak in both of their personal experiences. It was a life altering event for me. I was not aware of what actually takes place within this strange world.
Warning* May contain some inappropriate images. Some may find this disturbingly offensive. My apologies in advance.
Here are examples of (10) men currently registered on dating sites. These are actual photographs submitted by registered male members in hopes of making a first impression on females longing for a romantic match. Here we go. Buckle the fuck up. Thanks for the inspiration. You know who you are.
This man has sexy written all over his physique. I’m having a difficult time pinpointing exactly what room of the home this epic photo was taken in where a background consists of a roll of paper towels, a dirty fish tank & a “tweety bird” comforter on the floor? And a “My pillow?” My second guess was he snapped a selfie in the waiting area of a dentist office. What should a woman expect when she goes home with you for some romance after a nice date? Why is there a slit across the front of your undies? Is that suppose to be some sort of sexual technique that excites, seduces & teases a lady? Sew that shit up and get dressed. Why are you snapping selfies with a 55″ flat screen TV? Is this what your potential soulmate has to look forward to? I won’t even elaborate on the golden painted walls. What’s with the bracelet cutting off all circulation on the right forearm? Turn off the fish tank light. It will make you much more appealing. If that’s even possible.
I’m pretty positive most women can’t wait to hop on top of this Greek god. What exactly happened to your right nipple? Is that a gravity issue? If I was a middle aged woman searching for a long term serious relationship, you are exactly what I would have in mind. That is the biggest dog tag I have ever seen. Your disturbing smirk would inspire any woman to call law enforcement immediately. Good luck with your future love endeavors. You have most certainly brought sexy back in a trailer park twenty five to life sort of way. Good work.
Look at this tulip. He’s 44 ladies. If he’s 44 I’m Barack Obama. He may have been born in ’44. Is this man serious. I give him credit for keeping his clothes on. He’s one step ahead of our previous male sex figures patiently awaiting future connections to the single females. Ernest, although your hairstyle resembles a beautiful orchid blossoming flower with props to the “Pink Floyd” poster, you must accept the fact you are on the wrong dating site. You belong as a registered gold member to the site properly named “Grannie In Search of Old Flannel Boy Toy.” If I was a woman and had to guess what you did for a living it would be this. You are the voice of “Dora the Explorer”
This man is my favorite of the bunch. He looks honest and sincere. Again, if he’s 46 I’m 12. He’s mysterious in a sexual predator sort of way. Not sure what happened to his left ear. I’ll assume a police dog bit it off while he sold ice cream to minors. Just a hunch. This man has potential. Ladies save this slice of pure relationship heaven to your favorites.
Why is he sleeping in the shower watering his junk listening to “My heart must go on” by Celine Deon? I’m trying to determine exactly what is reflecting on the shower head. He seems to be a hoarder. I’m sure most women dream of bringing this being home to meet grandmother on Christmas Eve. Why am I selecting you to be my life long partner? Do you honestly believe this is sexy? What is wrong with these men and their decorating selections? The backgrounds seem to be extremely boring and distasteful. I’ve never seen such a physically fit man with such a bloated flabby stomach. You are exactly what women want. Wake up ass knot. You’re gonna drown.
This man was smart about his profile presentation. Nicely toned body. Excluded his face because he most likely was burned in a forest fire as he grabs his package. What does this accomplish? So if we happen to date you we have the pleasure of walking around the mall with you as you latch on to your erect private parts? I’m just confused. The downward spiraling chest hair footprint is quite fascinating. It leaves much to be desired such as if Professor Dumbledore is a part of your family tree perhaps. The intriguing chest hair design reminds me of some sort of human torturing device from the 1500’s. That or a character from “Fraggle Rock.” Hmm. Again, the background wall paint color is atrocious. Did all these men get a group rate & take their photos in the same home?
The flash dance rendition of internet dating. I almost want to throw my phone into a fire pit right now. What is going on here? I have so many questions. Who took the photo? Why is the right side of your body so hairy? Is that rain or snow? Does your profile dating site interests state “hairy man enjoys traveling naked to caves in Afghanistan during a monsoon?” I’d love to hear about your entrepreneurial adventure. School of law? Lol. You sir will most certainly convince a man like myself to question my sexual identity. It’s beautiful male creatures like yourself that make straight men like me curious. Hit me up and let’s drop that black lantern you are holding over your penis. That shits hot.
The good news is there is only 1/1 pictures available for our viewing pleasure. At least he has some decorative art in the background. I will give him that. But then I must take notice of the 32 day old rotten banana peel he is using as a sexual prop. Yeah great strategy man. You are trying to lure in women who haven’t been laid in months as you are passionately gripping a rotten banana peel. To make matters worse, your facial expression leads me to believe you haven’t taken a shit in weeks. Maybe months. It screams constipation. The Warhol picture confirms you will most definitely fed ex your earlobe to me after we get to sloppy second. You are creepy AF. Exactly what scorned women who can’t seem to figure out exactly what they want romantically in life. You my friend are the answer to all the prayers of our desperately seeking women. I wish I had the opportunity to witness this brute sexual presence back when I was growing up. I would have purchased a poster of you and thumb tacked you to the back of my door right beside Cindy Crawford and the teal green Lamborghini. Heck, I most likely would have ironed this iconic photograph of sex appeal directly across the back of my jean jacket. Keep it up bro. Nothing sells sex more than a bald man suffering from “resting bitch face syndrome” while his hand is wrapped around a rotten banana peel. Damn!!!
Jesus Christ. Why did I have to see this? I have enough crap in my brain. He unfortunately happens to be the most attractive in the bunch. If you find the courage to look past his toes that remind me of a gecko of course. Like this dude should be selling insurance. Again, who snapped the photo? His mom perhaps? I can’t make out the bottle between his legs. Is this suppose to leave women in suspense? You may not be lying about your age but you are sprawled out naked in a black tub with no water and a plastic bottle between your legs. There are flowers behind you along with a device I believe is a suspended weight scale. This whole scenario is troubling. I can tell you this for a fact. If I was a woman on the dating scene you are it. My everything. My “1980’s Black whirlpool tub prince with inflated toes.” You are smiling. You must be a jolly man. What the fuck are you doing guy? Please tell me your buddy hacked your account and photo shopped this. What are you glancing at BTW & the right nipple is sort of sexy. I must be honest. You should simply post a blown up exaggerated version of that. Only positive feature within this cluster fuck of internet dating failed photography. And to think you are an “Assistant Vice President” to anything but a gay internet porn discreet dating site is mind boggling. Good work. All you are missing is a yellow rubber ducky & some water.
A fucking legend in my book. He is what I imagine the bi-product of a one night stand accidental pregnancy involving “Wolverine, Fred Mercury & Hacksaw Jim Dugan” would look like. Give this bastard a 2 x 4 and he will crack his date right across the her fucking temple. No questions asked. He has the integrity and honest approach. Simple. Respond to my profile and express interest and I will eat your pancreas. The fact this man has the hairy nuts (and I’ll assume those fuckers are “Yetti” like hairy) to select this image as his profile picture is brilliant. He makes his point obvious. No messing around with this beast. His profile description must be as follows. “Date me. I will throw you in the shower after we consume 5 rib eyes with 9 sides. Once we get past the fact my hair will eventually clog the shower drain, I will chomp on the fungus of your foot while “Barry Manilow” Pandora softly plays amongst us. I will proceed to eat your pet goldfish. Here is my promise to you. I will continue to wear these grease stained leather overalls, for better or worse. Thick & thin. Even to your families Thanksgiving Day feast. I can’t wait to meet your Dad and share a life with you.” This dude nails it. The ideal match. The fact he has a plug-in smoke & carbon detector in his bathroom leads me to believe he has all intentions of spicing up a potential long term commitment. The wall paper ensures us he is the next Jeff Dahmer. Good luck with this gem ladies. He is special.
So there you have it. These are just a few eligible bachelors available to all you middle aged ladies looking for love. Here’s my advice, stay fucking single.
For everyone who questions why such a pretty gal like my wife is in love with a guy like me, this should answer it. Although I can totally see my wife leaving me as I’m forced to enter the dating internet world. I would most likely take a profile picture of myself buck naked at “White Castle” holding a rabid armadillo. I would be no better than these members.
Good luck ladies.